Allison is rushing to get ready for a theatre engagement with her sister. Frank notices the commotion and asks what's going on. "What are you talking about?" says Allison angrily, "I told you yesterday that I was going to the theatre with Marion. Don't you ever listen?" "You never told me that" says Frank. Allison now thinks that Frank is either playing games or he didn't care enough to listen to her in the first place.
Occasionally, one of us will forget something that the other has told us recently.
As couples age there may come a time when one or both partners has an occasional lapse in memory or maybe even more regular and noticable memory difficulties. This can be both irritating and concerning for the partner of the one who has become memory challenged.
Allison is definitely frustrated and annoyed but since this has happened before she is also getting worried. She wonders if their relationship is weakening or if Frank is becoming depressed or worse. Her frustrated response is just her knee-jerk reaction but she has noticed that since Frank retired they have more time and interactions together which might explain the greater number of incidents like this occurring.
Getting into a "Yes I did - No you didn't" type of argument only deteriorates into fault finding and harms the relationship. Allison has to admit that she occasionally forgets details that Frank tells her as well. Allison realizes she could have chosen to give Frank the benefit of the doubt and she vows that if this happens again she will clearly and kindly (and not condescendingly) repeat the forgotten detail. She wishes now that she had responded more caringly; something like "Sorry Frank, I meant to remind you that I'm going out to the theatre tonight with my sister. I know you wanted to stay home and watch the game anyway".
At other times, one of us will forget that we have already told a story or some non-critically important detail to the other.
"Frank, wait until I tell you about the piece of property that Marion and Stan bought" says Allison. "You already told me that three times" retorts Frank as he shakes his head. "What on earth is wrong with you?" Allison looks shocked and hurt and a bit frightened. "Did I really?" she asks softly. "Maybe there really is something wrong with me."
If Allison honestly doesn't remember having told the story before, how loving is it to blurt out a bruising statement like, "What's wrong with you?" or "You tell that same joke every Christmas."
When someone repeats the same story a second, third, or fourth time within a matter of days or weeks or even months, consider it a gift that they want to include you in their life! Rather than abruptly stopping the story, a wise and more loving choice may be to value the presence of the story-teller in your life and listen patiently and kindly. There are times when we all forget that we told a particular person a certain story or joke. Frank could have asked himself the question: "Has it really been helpful for Allison's memory functioning to remind her that she's already told me this story before?" And he can remind himself that Allison is simply sharing her excitement and in doing so is making a loving connection.
Young children often like to be told the same story over and over again, and they often like to repeat the same story. Rather than cut them off, most adults are very patient with their young children and grandchildren at these times. Maybe we can apply the same adult wisdom to our relationship with adults as well. And we should remember that we are all children in many ways and still learning.
Recent memory for non-life-threatening details should become less important than patience and wisdom in strengthening the relationship of a loving, aging couple.
