On Becoming a Grandparent
Joe and Mary raised three children. They had their ups and downs as do most families but for the most part, Joe and Mary enjoyed parenting and all the lessons in life that they learned from their children.
As the children became young adults and began to establish themselves, Joe and Mary began to dream about the next stage in their life – becoming grandparents! Their son moved to Europe and fell in love with a beautiful European young woman. Joe and Mary were delighted with his choice but their hearts sank as they realized that their grandchildren would be born 5000 miles away.
Oh well, they still had two more children at home, until one married and moved across the country. Their first grandchild was born 3000 miles away. Their youngest son then fell in love with a girl who wasn’t comfortable around Joe and Mary.
Meanwhile, the children of friends and relatives were marrying and starting families. These friends were full of joyful stories of babysitting, barbeques and family celebrations. Joe and Mary watched these families enjoy each other. Watched and listened. Where was their family? Grandpa and Grandma were supposed to be surrounded by the pitter-patter of little feet. Joyous sounds of children playing should be filling their home. No. That is not the way their life turned out. They felt very sad, sometimes angry. It wasn’t fair!
Eventually, Joe and Mary realized that they were grieving. They had suffered the loss of their dream and were experiencing many of the same thoughts and feelings that bereaved people experience. Once they were able to acknowledge their loss, express their feelings and grieve, they began to move on to accept life as it is and start to build a new dream. They began to schedule visits as often as possible, learn how to be ‘long-distance grandparents’ and be grateful for their blessings. Rather than being upset by what they had lost, they focused on learning how to be grateful for what they had.
Many situations in life generate a grief response. Many people are disappointed about the way their life turned out. Perhaps they didn’t get the parents they wanted or tragedy robbed them of their childhood, their children, their spouse or their career. Accident or illness may limit the ability to do one’s job effectively and enjoy the leisure activities that have previously been taken for granted. We may lose our job or have to move to a new location. Perhaps we were unable to have a child or the career we wanted. Even a promotion can evoke sadness about what we leave behind.
Many people wonder, “What is wrong with me?” Often these feelings of anger, depression or dissatisfaction with life can be associated with a loss or change in one’s life.
Can you think of anything in your life that may be generating unresolved grief? If you can, write about it. Express your feelings. Recognize that every primary loss (or change) has many secondary losses (or changes) that are associated with it. These losses can be numerous and can generate as much distress as the primary loss.
Life doesn’t always turn out the way we planned, but acceptance of change can bring new adventures and rewards.
