What Does it Mean to be a Man?
by Phil Glaister
Over the last two decades the study of gender role attitudes has been an increasingly important focus in men’s studies. What does it mean to be a husband, a brother, a son, an uncle, or a father today? Society is changing more rapidly today than at any other time in the history of mankind. The current literature suggests that the traditional attitudes toward men’s gender roles cause men both physical and psychological stresses. Men top the charts in such health hazards as smoking, drinking, dangerous jobs, sports injuries, drunk driving, and as victims of violent crimes.
Studies show this is not due to biology, but rather to gender conditioning. In attempts to be “real men”, men live higher-risk lifestyles driven by internalized messages of competition, invulnerability, control, emotional suppression, and independence. When psychological or physical symptoms occur, many men have learned not to acknowledge them and tough-it-out alone. This isolates them from information, interventions, and support.
Nowhere is this clearer than in the role of being a father. Fathers often don’t realize the important roles they play in their children’s lives. Many fathers do not know what to do in relation to their children apart from living on the treadmill as a provider. The literature suggests most fathers spend little time each day giving undivided attention to their children, and are very sparing when it comes to praise and recognition. Their influence is critical in such areas of child development as sexual identity for both boys and girls, and for role modelling male roles in committed relationships.
Today we see this reflected in some of our youth who have had such maladaptive stereotypes modelled for them during their most formative years. Many are left with a void to fill, and both young and mature men often find themselves at odds with their world searching for meaning in their life.
This mind set can no longer be justified by the needs of modern society. Men are no longer the hunters and gatherers of historic times. Boys are still taught today to be tough, not to cry, suppress their emotions, and be strong at all costs. They are conditioned to believe this is necessary to become a man. Traits such as relating, nurturing, caring, listening, and allowing for emotions, are all too often considered for females only. Dominant culture suggests that “real men” are only allowed three emotions: humour, anger and sexual feelings. This code of masculinity can become a script for a life of stress and needless illness.
Socially, single men have been considered to have it easier than single women. Men were expected to experiment sexually before marriage; women were not. Women who did were considered loose, men who did not were considered less manly. When men do share their experience of that time in their lives, it is usually described as more lonely and self-destructive than we might expect. The script means men are likely to be more isolated from their own families and friends. Their competitive nature sets them apart from other men in ways that make it difficult for them to form friendships that are close enough to keep loneliness at bay.
Men often find it difficult to disclose their loneliness; therefore it is often well hidden and when disclosed, it is often seen as personal failure, and their fault. Marriage is not the cure. Without the ability to reach out to another person emotionally, marriage can be a lonely place for both partners.
Men often say such things as:
* My children don’t talk to me like they do to my wife, I feel excluded.
* I always have to be the strong father image, keep order in the house. Even when I’m in the company of my wife and children I often feel alone.
* My wife and I have lots of friends. But they are really her friends and her friends’ husbands.
* Ever since I was a child I’ve had a feeling of apartness. I had good parents, I have a wonderful wife, and I don’t know why I just feel apart from other people.
The counselling process provides for an intimate journey of self-discovery, reflection, and evolution in such a manner as is not often available to us in any other way. Within the context of the therapeutic relationship, once trust and safety have been negotiated, the individual is free to think, say, formulate, re-formulate, and pick and choose what fits for him, all within the safe confines of the therapeutic relationship. This can all take place without worrying about what others will think, or if they will be evaluated or rejected for what they are thinking.
Men don’t have to give up all of what has been stereotypically considered the domain of the “real man”. What they need to do is to increase their sensitivity to others, their inner awareness of emotions and values, and their commitment to others. This wouldn’t mean they are less of a “man” but rather a more complete, wiser, content and caring individual. This could be the road for men to live more passionate purposeful lives.
