I have low self-esteem
by Farrell Hannah
This is a concern often mentioned by people who have started to attend a counsellor/psychologist about problems ranging from stress at work, to family or partner relationship problems, to individual anxiety or depression.
Some psychologists suggest that self-esteem is only a psychological gauge (like a fuel gauge on a vehicle) and that rather than over-focussing on the gauge and trying to find some substance in it and a direct way to change it, we need to focus on the fuel tank and the fueling, what helps to keep the level from getting too low.
What keeps the tank fuller (and the gauge within a more comfortable range, not always “full”) has been outlined by psychologist Nathaniel Branden in his 1994 book, The Six Pillars of Self-esteem. Many have studied the concept of self-esteem, and Branden’s work has been one spanning the past few decades. He defines self-esteem as “confidence in our ability to cope with the basic challenges of life" (“self-efficacy”); and confidence in our right to be successful and happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values, and enjoy the fruits of our efforts ("self-respect"). Achieving these two senses of confidence may seem an overwhelming (maybe even a further depressing!) goal for many of us at first glance. We need to remember that when fueling a tank, the meter goes up gradually and does not suddenly read “FULL” when the first few liters are directed into the tank. Branden reminds us that there is a continuous feedback loop between our actions in life and our self-esteem: one influences the other, and therefore, living better is as important as feeling better. So there needs to be a focus on our own actions that we must do to generate and sustain self-esteem. Branden outlines six pillars (or areas of practice). Repeated attention, day by day, to each of these pillars, as much as is feasible, helps strengthen self-esteem.
The Practice of Living Consciously is the first pillar, and it most simply means the act of being aware of some aspect of reality. Some authors call this "living mindfully". We seek to be aware, first just of the existence of, and then of the different states between and within, the following elements: our outer world (environment or situation), our inner world, including our senses, thoughts, feelings (emotions), needs or wants or values, decisions, and behaviors, including our voluntary actions and our more automatic body functions. This does not mean that we must pay attention to all of these elements constantly or simultaneously - to do so is not possible or desirable. It does mean that we are able and willing to consciously notice these elements as they change and that we can shift our focus on any of these elements as may be appropriate to the present moment. The confusion or “fog” that people may experience is usually because they have gone on an automatic pilot mode through too much of their living, not conscious enough of those more specific elements which require our shifting focus on each of them in order to attain a sense of clarity and balance.
The Practice of Self-Acceptance, rather than self rejection, is the second pillar. To choose to value myself, treat myself with respect, stand up for my right to exist, experience rather than disown the elements of myself are the key actions of self-acceptance. Without them, the self-esteem sense will not develop. Self-acceptance does not mean I have to like or desire what I experience. For example, some emotions (sadness, anger, fear) are painful, but self-acceptance is the ability and willingness to say, “Oh, these are part of me, too; I notice them, I experience them.” And, as Branden continues, “I cannot overcome a fear whose reality I deny.”
The Practice of Self-Responsibility is the third pillar, and means that I am willing to take responsibility for my own actions, my well-being, my life. This includes responsibility for setting my goals, planning the use of my time, and the quality of my communications (behaviors) with others. To keep this focus, practice thinking this: “No one owns me, no one owes me - I own me, so my choices are mine.” “Responsibility” used in this way does not mean being self-blamed or faulted, but being the author or initiator of my choices, rather than thinking that others are the cause for my thoughts, feelings, actions. And this does not mean that we can be in full control of our circumstances; there are events that are beyond my control, and accidents also happen, but I need to know what I can control and what I can’t.
The Practice of Self-Assertiveness is pillar four. To be assertive means that I not only am aware of, accepting of, and responsible for my own needs, wants, and values but I also express them in ways that are appropriate to a given situation. The situation may include various other individuals and their needs, wants, and values. It is neither being passive on the one hand nor aggressive on the other; neither a “people pleaser” nor an abuser. It is the realization that I have the choice over what and how I express myself in a particular context, respecting that others have the same rights, and that I will receive the consequences for my actions. It does not mean that I voice all my thoughts and feelings without regard to others and the different situations I go through, or that I just say “no” routinely, especially to “authority”. Self-assertive behavior expresses that I have a right to exist and so do you, to think for myself, to ask questions, to show the courage to face the fear of living responsibly.
The Practice of Living Purposefully is the fifth pillar of self-esteem. A conscious purpose is more than a want, or hope. It is more of a decision about a goal and living toward that goal step-by-step. Instead of drifting aimlessly, and only reacting to others, we can choose to set some goals that then serve as a beacon to guide us. A significant part of the definition of self-esteem involves coping with and gaining some mastery of the basic challenges of living. Therefore, some achievement or productivity in selected and specific tasks of living is a powerful part of building self-esteem. What we "do" or have been “doing” is as important as how we “are” or “feel”.
The Practice of Personal Integrity, pillar number six, means that my values are acted upon. My behavior matches my beliefs, my standards, my ideals. I "walk the talk”, “practice what I preach”. In order to be able to practice personal integrity, we must first have a code or set of principles about what is and is not appropriate conduct. These standards allow us then to strive to behave in ways that are congruent with those very standards. As much as we fail to live up to our code of ethics or our moral convictions, we lose face with our primary human judge - namely our self. Maybe it’s becoming obvious that the six pillars are intertwined, and that self-esteem cannot be strengthened without practicing each of them. But, just as with any physical exercise program, for example, this psychological exercise program needs to be followed day-by-day. And although there may be some discomfort in gaining more strength, we don’t need to push ourselves so hard that we get a psychological hernia! As far as I know, there is no self-esteem pill, nor will there be, nor should there be if we are wanting long-lasting strength with no significant side-effects. The practices outlined can be started or stopped whenever you want, since you are the judge, and they can be practiced whether or not you are using any medication, herbal preparation, and regardless of your current condition (“starting point”) or level of self esteem.
Nathaniel Branden’s book outlines the six pillars of self-esteem in much more detail and is worth reading. Your friendly, local, psychological therapist should be honored to help you explore and focus upon your self-esteem practices if you want a personalized approach.
