Four-letter Words in Your Relationships
by Farrell Hannah
Certain four-letter words used in anger can help to damage or kill a relationship. They might be used in the heat of arguing. Instead of getting rid of anger they may actually inflame your own anger or the anger of your partner.
I’ve been studying and helping relationships for almost forty years. I’ve been amazed by the number of ways we tend to tangle and complicate our interactions in what are supposed to be our most personal and caring relationships at home, at work, and with friends.The emotional hurt or pain we experience in our most intimate relationships is often left unspoken and stored up (some call it “stuffed”) inside us over hours, days, months, and even years. The hurt comes from a sense of loss which occurs when what we expect to happen (whether realistic or not) isn’t observed to happen, including when others have offended us in some way. On the other hand, there are times when we don’t meet others’ expectations or we offend others, but we may have been too preoccupied, embarrassed, fearful, and/or proud to apologize. So the sense of regret for offending someone you care for may remain unspoken. Instead, if regret is felt at all, it may be expressed through behaviors other than directly apologizing. “Sucking up” (over-attending) or avoiding the offended person may occur and these behaviours inflict further offence, pain, and often annoyance, with a likely backlash to follow. The vicious cycle continues.
Now for the two four-letter words that can really help break the cycle, even if only one person in the relationship will begin to use them and persist in using them, genuinely and not sarcastically. Not only can these four-letter words interrupt offending and backlashing, they can also open up affection and comforting in relationships. One word is “ouch.” The other one is “oops.” The two “o” words. Both are related to another “o” word: offence. Is this too simple? That’s the point-we need to simplify our messages. Remember this for the next time you feel rapidly angered. Instead of automatically lashing back or withdrawing too far, just take a step back (do it physically), pause, breathe, ask yourself if you feel offended, and if so, simply say “ouch.” Weird, eh? If the other person then says (and she/he likely will at first) something like, “What’s wrong with you?!” or “You’re too sensitive!”, then say this: “Ouch, again.” Repeat this as often as you need. It’s not aggressive. It’s not passive. It’s assertive. It lets you and the other know that you feel hurt or pain before any anger occurs. Unfortunately when we were children, many of us, especially the males, were expected to stifle our expression of hurt and to “just be strong.” Also unfortunately, we learned to substitute anger as the emotion to show our “strength,” instead of expressing the emotions that show our experience of feeling vulnerable, such as fear or sadness. Instead of rapidly going into automatic anger (and choosing aggressive language and other aggressive behaviours), we can choose to use the four-letter words “ouch” and “oops.” This can lead to comforting rather than counter-attacking or counter-withdrawing. Saying “ouch” is a natural invitation for an “oops” response from the other person. “Oops” is shorthand for “I offended, I’m sorry,” or at least “I see you’re hurting” (because you might not be the source for the particular ouch experience of the other person). The other person’s “ouch” reactions might show as aggressive behaviours or just by the statement “I’m mad” (or four-letter, anger words), or might show more directly as just looking offended (avoiding, sulking, pouting, crying). It is pretty safe to assume from these behavioral clues that the person is having an ouch experience. Rather than getting hooked on those behavioral reactions and then counter-attacking or counter-avoiding, a more caring and affectionate way would be to approach with a stated “oops” for offending, or at least a spirit of oops if the person is feeling offended and hurt. So those are the two four-letter words that we can choose to use if we want to break up vicious cycles of anger and related behaviours in our relationships that should be most caring. There are several other four-letter words and behaviors that may not get enough use as affection-builders in our relationships: love, hugs, kiss, play, help, calm, talk, plan, look, hear, play. Did you notice that one of those words was repeated? Sometimes we get stuck in our relationships by getting overly serious and we could use an extra dose of play, in attitude and in behavior.
