A few weeks ago, I conducted an informal survey of seven married couples. In total, these couples represented a total if 181 years of marriage! I was curious to know what they thought had helped them stay together through good times and bad, through the challenges and the tragedies that occur in every life.
I asked each couple to choose one trait, quality or virtue that they believed had been very important in the longevity of their marriages. The answers I received were: perseverance, commitment, communication, friendship, forgiveness, acceptance, patience, trust and flexibility. Perseverance, friendship and forgiveness were mentioned two or three times each.
Where is love? Wasn't love the reason each spouse chose to marry each other; isn't it love that keeps them together; doesn't the bible say that love is the most important virtue? Why didn't any of these couples choose the word "love" when asked for a word that would help explain the longevity of their marriage?
I think the answer is that perseverance, friendship, forgiveness, acceptance, patience, trust and flexibility are love. When we decide to engage in these traits, we are being loving; when we give this love, more love is generated and we feel loved and lovable in return.
The words of these couples are good news. In order to experience love, one doesn't have to wait for lightening to strike, for someone to change or for someone to be loving. Anyone can decide any day and everyday to be loving and feel love in return by deciding to practice the traits these couples mentioned. That is where love is - in the decision to persevere, to commit, to communicate, to forgive, to be a friend, to be patient, to be trustworthy and trusting, to be accepting and flexible. It is not easy but it is possible and it is guaranteed to work.
