When Is an Affair Not an Affair?
The answer is NEVER. An affair begins when a person who is supposed to be in a committed relationship begins to spend time alone with a third person.
Initially, time may be spent sharing a coffee, a chat after work, or even interacting on the Internet. The two find pleasure and excitement just being in each other’s company. This sounds innocent but when one or both of these chat partners are committed to another person and these meetings are kept secret from that person, we have Stage One of an affair.
Stage Two begins when these chat partners begin to put emotional energy into the new relationship. This emotional energy should rightly be put into the committed relationship. Two things happen during Stage Two. First, the committed relationship is robbed of the energy, time and caring that should be put into problem solving, communication and relationship building. The second thing that happens is that loyalties begin to shift and bonding between the two illicit partners grows.
There are various excuses that people use to justify putting time and energy into the new relationship: “I haven’t been close to my spouse for years.” , “I can’t do anything right for him/her.”, “Whatever I do is never enough.”, “ We have nothing in common.”, or “He/she never listens to me”. During this stage, they may feel guilty but they also feel entitled to spend time with someone they think understands, accepts and admires them. Is it an affair yet? They haven’t ‘slept together’; maybe they haven’t even held hands or kissed.
In Stage Three, stimulated by the aphrodisiac of secrecy, they eventually fall into each other’s arms. They feel confident that they have found someone who listens to them, understands them, and cares about them. They enjoy their time together so much. There are no bills to pay, meals to cook or children to chauffeur. Bliss. When problems arise in the relationship, they don’t develop problem-solving skills, brainstorm or seek outside help. They are more inclined to flop into bed and solve their problems with sex. Sometimes, affairs ‘wear out’ after a few months of this activity. Sometimes, the couple moves into a stage where their minds, bodies and hearts are captured.
Perhaps you know of affairs that have not moved through these three stages. Regardless of how the development and life of an affair is conceptualized, it always begins in secrecy and ends with broken hearts. It could be the heart of one of the participants, their spouses or their children.
Can a marriage be rebuilt after one of the partners has had an affair? Yes, every therapist has witnessed this many times. It is not a matter of stabilizing the old marriage but building a stronger one that will be better and more solid so that it can last a lifetime.
In order to build a new relationship, the couple needs new information. There are many places where this information can be obtained. The couple may choose to work with a marriage counsellor or their pastor. They may choose to attend workshops on relationship building and communication. Another possibility is to attend a weekend course such as Marriage Encounter or Retrouvaille where couples can begin the process of healing and learn the skills that will enable them to rebuild trust and become confident that the mistakes of the past need never be repeated. There are many books and tapes that can be helpful. Look on the Internet or call our office for information regarding these workshops, weekends, books or tapes.
