“He doesn’t talk about his feelings…maybe he doesn’t have any. I just give up and shut down.” “She talks on and on…it overwhelms me, and I just back off.” “He won’t say what he’s thinking.” “She just talks about feelings...touchy-feely stuff.” “I have trouble once I start talking and I follow him from room to room and keep going on and on.” “I have trouble figuring out what to say.” “We both need some ‘tools’ to help us to communicate better.”
Some people have trouble communicating because they are not sure how to say things, or what to say. Others may have difficulty because they say too much or blurt out just one part of the message that seems the most important to them, leaving the partner overwhelmed.
Communicating verbally (talking and listening) is one important way that humans send and receive messages. Words can flow easily and clearly in a sequence or set of steps that appear to be “natural” but actually have been learned. On the other hand, there can be problems with starting the flow, with the flow getting stuck in one spot, or having overflow or repetition. These problems can leave a couple feeling helpless and hopeless about understanding each other.
A tool that can help with the “how to” is to use a communication formula to prompt us to find words when there seem to be no words (a deficit) on the one hand, or when there are too many words (a surplus) on the other. Follow this sequence when talking more personally (intimately) with your partner:
“When in the situation describe the surroundings that you are in);
and I observe (describe what you see, hear, smell, taste, touch as a sensory experience);
then I think describe briefly what you say to yourself or what you imagine or picture in your mind’s eye);
and then I feel (describe briefly what emotions you experience, such as sad, mad, bad, worried, glad, calm, etc).
What I want is describe briefly what your preference is, which could be for the same thing to occur again or a request for a change).”
For example:
“When we are talking together;
and I see you turning away;
I think that you don’t care what I think;
and I feel devalued and lonely.
Please pay real attention to me as we talk”.
It may seem strange or awkward or even silly to have to resort to a formula in order to talk with your partner and to allow your partner to talk so that you listen and then understand better. However, if your communication is not clean and not clear or is stuck, then you might benefit from following a pattern that is different from the one you more typically use. It can also help you to become less reactive and more objective in your interactions. Think of doing this just like you would if you were practicing to change any other skill. And it can also be used to communicate positive not only “negative” information, to more strongly emphasize what you do like. Why not give it a try.
