Tips on Helping Children Deal With Anger
by Lorraine C
Expressing anger in a safe appropriate manner is an important skill for both adults and children to learn.
Children learn by example and frequently mirror how their parents express their own anger. Parents, therefore, are most effective in helping their children deal with anger when they themselves model responsible anger management. Adults can do this by acknowledging, accepting, and taking ownership for their own angry feelings and by expressing their anger in a direct and non-aggressive manner.
In addition to modelling appropriate anger management, there are several other practical ways that parents can assist children in dealing with their anger.
State your own anger clearly and calmly, with a firm voice, without passing judgement. Parents should resist yelling and shouting. They need to be mindful of choosing vocabulary that matches the intensity of their true feelings. If a parent were slightly annoyed, it would be appropriate to say, “This is a bit irritating”; if one were very angry, one might say, “I’m really angry right now”.
When your child is angry, help him to acknowledge the anger and to give it a label so that he can identify and express the feeling. An example might be, “Joel, you felt angry when they called you names.” Acknowledging strong emotions often helps the child maintain control and diffuses the anger. “It is really hard to lose after you tried so hard.”
Let children know that anger is natural and okay and that everyone feels anger at times. “It’s okay to be angry. It happens to all of us sometimes – but it is NOT okay to hurt others.”
Be aware of your child’s nonverbal signs of anger (clenched jaw or fists, red face, etc.) and teach your child to recognize where he feels the anger in his own body. This can later provide a cue for him to take a time out or leave a potentially explosive situation before he loses control.
Resist taking your child’s angry comments personally and at face value. “I hate you. I wish you weren’t my mother!” What your child is really saying is that he is extremely angry because he is not getting his way and it is you who in enforcing the rules. Teach your child alternative statements that are acceptable to you. “Mom, I’m really angry because you won’t let me watch TV.”
Encourage children to take a time out to cool off when they are angry. Model this behaviour yourself.. “I’m too angry to talk right now. I’m going to my room to cool off. I’ll talk to you in a few minutes.”
Never try to reason with an enraged child, as this will likely only escalate the problem. If a child is out of control, calmly and gently take that child to a quiet place where he can calm down. “I can’t let you hurt yourself” or “It’s okay to be angry but it’s not okay to wreck things. We can talk about it when you are calmer.” When your child shifts into high gear with anger, it’s your cue to shift into low.
Offer energetic physical outlets when words don’t work. Some of these might be punching a pillow, pounding clay, kicking a ball outside or running around outside.
Provide soothing ways to unwind, especially if your child is overtired or over stimulated. Some suggestions are: giving the child a hug or longer cuddle, offering a warm bath, reading a calming story, listening to soothing music, drawing an angry picture, scribbling, baking cookies.
Aim parental disapproval at the child’s misbehaviour and not at the child’s character. Rather than saying, “You are such a brat,” it would be more helpful to say, “I don’t like it when you don’t do your share of the chores.”
Discipline is about teaching and guiding children in ways that are respectful, constructive and helpful. While it is absolutely necessary for parents to set limits with children, discipline should NEVER be humiliating or harmful to a child’s body or self-esteem.
