Letting Go of Our Kids
As parents, we've all been there. Our five year old is biking on the street and asks "Daddy, can I bike around the block by myself?", or our ten year old says, "Mom, when can I walk to school on my own?" I know that as a parent, I always pause for a moment. I want to challenge my children with new opportunities for growth and responsibility but at the same time fear creeps into my mind. Rational or not, I usually end up saying something like "No, I want to be able to see you!"
Things have changed since we were young. We rode bikes without helmets. We never had car seats. Our parents said good-bye to us in the morning as we ran out to play for the day, saying "Make sure you're home for dinner". Ahh, freedom.
Research tells us that anxiety and depression are on the rise in children and teens (Report on the Well Being of Canada's Youth). Could our approach as parents these days be a contributing factor?
According to Dr. Michael Ungar, author of "Too Safe for Their Own Good" (McClelland & Stewart, 2007) we parents are trying to make the world around our kids as safe as at home. We "bubble-wrap" our children, a phrase Unger uses to describe an unsettling trend that is creating a generation of kids that are so overprotected, it is stunting their growth. Why are we so nervous?
In the last two decades, mass communication via the internet, computers, television and magazines has increased. Each of these has the potential to bring horrifying stories into our households that tend to send parents into a whirlwind of caution and fear. Ungar speaks passionately on this. He describes kids that are so hemmed in by our efforts to protect them that they either rebel with risky behavior or become overburdened by fear. He says kids need to experience some measure of risk in their lives. They need to feel the exhilaration of testing their limits as a means toward developing competence and building mastery.
In his book, Ungar describes two groups of kids - risk takers and responsibility seekers. We all know the risk takers. These kids are at the bike jumps at 4 years old or rock climbing higher than we are comfortable with! Research shows that these are the kids that are more likely to trust their own judgment and can confidently assert their independence. The responsibility seekers search for challenge in order to feel more adult and grown up. These are the kids who as preteens offer to go to the store on their own to get our milk. If children aren't given the chance to spread their wings early on, by the time they reach adolescence they may search for risk or responsibility in negative ways. For example, teens engage in smoking and drinking in order to look older. Risk seekers may use drugs more frequently and tend to look for the adrenalin rush with peers, perhaps drinking and driving. In this case, our children are less in danger from others than they are from themselves.
So what is the message to us as parents? Ungar states that it is important for adults to realize that risk-taking isn't about being bad. It's a legitimate pathway into adulthood for our kids and it helps them find something to say about themselves that stands out. As parents, we need to continue to be involved in our kids' lives watching over their safety and well-being and intervening when there are real safety or moral issues.
What's really important is to give our kids space to take appropriate risks and learn from them. Here are some other ideas:
- Find some opportunities in their lives for your children to take risks - on the playground, the gym or playing with peers.
- Give your child age-appropriate responsibilities from an early age. Help them find out what they can do.
- Try not to put your worries and fears of the big, bad world onto your children.
- Listen to your child when he/she tells you what she needs "I want a cell phone." and "You never let me go out on my own" are signals to you that your child may by growing up.
- Help build your child's personality. If he is a daring biker, sign him up for BMX or lessons in jumping and tricks. Follow his/her lead and interests.
