Helping Children Cope with Separation and Divorce
by Lorraine C
Parenting is never an easy job, whether one is in a relationship or not. However, parenting after separation or divorce adds to the challenge because it is such an emotionally difficult time for all involved. Adults frequently experience feelings of sadness, loneliness, fear, grief, guilt, and a loss of self-confidence accompanied by worries about money, housing, employment, a changed social life, their own personal needs, their children’s needs etc. For children, their world becomes vastly altered and they usually experience severe emotional distress and confusion.
The children’s ability to cope with parental separation or divorce is usually directly related to how well the parents are coping. A parent’s attitude of choosing to hold onto bitterness and live in the past will certainly spell trouble for both adults and children, whereas a positive approach by the adults will go a long way to ensuring an easier adjustment for the children. Continuing conflict among spouses is destructive to the parenting process; however, looking at the situation positively, as an opportunity to grow and change, allows one to treat oneself with kind regard and to continue good parenting. Therefore, one of the biggest gifts a parent can give their children is caring for one’s own emotional health.
Research has shown that it is the intensity of parent conflict that damages children---not so much the divorce itself. Children need peaceful closeness to both parents, to endure the loss of the family, as they knew it. It has been found that 75% of divorcing parents are able to develop cooperative parenting relationships often by changing their spousal relationship into a business-parental team; in cases where high conflict is maintained, children more frequently develop difficulties with anxiety, depression and aggression. Parents who choose to put their children first, above their desire for revenge or other destructive urges, are going a long way to helping their children cope.
Some basic guidelines for parents to follow are:
1. Be available to listen to the children. Sometimes adults are so emotionally distraught, it is difficult for them to be present for their children’s pain. Concerns that may seem small to adults may loom large for children. Encourage the children to talk or show their feelings through drawing etc. Younger children respond well to indirect communication, such as telling a story about a child in similar circumstances, and bringing in their specific worries and concerns. Allow children to reminisce about when their family lived together. Understand that time is an important part of the healing process for this difficult emotional experience.
2. Do not denigrate or demonize the other parent in front of the children. No matter what one’s intentions are, when one criticizes a child’s parent, one is indirectly criticizing the child, as the child sees him/herself as a product of both parents. Showing respect for the other parent is important for the healthy development of children.
3. Frequently reassure the children that the break-up is not their fault. Whether they disclose it or not, children often believe if they had been good, the parent would not have moved away.
4. Don’t argue or fight with the other parent within earshot of the children. As stated above, a key factor in the children’s adjustment is thought to be the amount of conflict they are exposed to around the divorce.
5. Children need to know that even if mommy and daddy are no longer married or living together, they will always be their parents and will continue to love their children. It is important for children to have regular contact with the non-residential parent in order to ease their confusion and to help reduce their feelings of rejection. Since children are generally loyal to both parents and want to make them both happy, it is very destructive and unfair to put them in a position of having to “choose sides”.
6. Let children be children. It may be tempting, but it is wrong, for adults to use their children as confidants. Discussing one’s divorce recovery, finances, fears, court proceedings, new romantic relationships etc. are beyond what children are capable of dealing with. Even though, at times, children may appear to be capable of handling these issues, they do not have the inner resources to do so.
7. Since divorce is a time of enormous change for all concerned, it is beneficial to minimize other changes in children’s lives for at least a few months. If at all possible, keep them in the same home and school. Maintain routines, relationships, familiar activities and rules to help offset anxieties and insecurities. Children feel more secure when they know their limits and what to expect. Therefore, they benefit from the consistent use of discipline by each parent. Children can usually learn to accept different rules in each of their parent’s homes, as long as they understand them and the parents consistently uphold them.
8. Do not use children as messengers between parents, as spies on the other parent or as tools to hurt one’s former spouse. These actions can be very harmful because they put children in the middle, in the position of hurting one parent in order to satisfy the other.
9. It is recommended that children spend as much time with each parent, as is practical and possible, allowing for some flexibility in schedules. When plans have to be altered, children are entitled to receive a full and honest explanation. Although flexibility is important, so are dependability and predictability. Children need to know that they can count on their parents to keep promises and to be there when parents say they will.
10. Including children in visits with new partners/people in one’s life does not substitute for spending time alone with one’s children. In these situations, children frequently feel they have to compete for the parent’s attention or that someone else is more important to the parent than they are.
